I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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