Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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