woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
