oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
