i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
