this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
