I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
