Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
