remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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