i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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