so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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