so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
