I smell stomach acid.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
