Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
