You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
