If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
