Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
