I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
