Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
