# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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