I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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