Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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