She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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