mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
