he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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