YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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