we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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