I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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