you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
