My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
