shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
