does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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