Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
