what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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