I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
