I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
