the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
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