thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Found your dick twin last night
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
