When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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