My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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