Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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