I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
as a side note pls kill me
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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