i would punch a child for taco bell
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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