I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
