Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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