they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
