I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
