Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
