I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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