You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
