Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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