it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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